Balkan-soul-gypsy-funk...

This journal is produced amid extreme noise and chaos. Outside our editorial offices is a constant cacophonous symphony of sirens, horns, streetwalkers, combustible clowns, cat fights, anonymous tubas, and the ravings of postal workers gone berserk. Inside: the clatter of keyboards, the screeching of hard drives about to blow, the drone of stressed out backup drives, the roar of hydraulic scanners, editors screaming "Where's my copy??!!," call girls demanding back-pay, reporters barking into cell phones, office boys chasing French poodles up and down the halls, and Balkan-soul-gypsy-funk blaring from loudspeakers installed on all three floors.

If you were here at the moment your ears would be overflowing with the lovely rhythms, brass tootle-poots, and thumpa-humps of Slavic Soul Party!'s new CD, Teknochek Collision. It's nonstop swirling insanity—booming brass, speed-infused gypsy jazz punctuated with mystical dervish riffs running like a pack of dwarfs on fire. The ghost of Maria Ouspenskaya is definitely lap-dancing to this in some dark Slavic bar back in the old country.

Needless to say, it's a fitting soundtrack for this journal and, yes, we love it.

The Bride Shaved Bare by Her Bachelor, Even

This rare photograph surfaced in our archives recently and shows a work-in-progress (circa 1988) by artist Norman Conquest: The Bride Shaved Bare by Her Bachelor, Even. The photo was taken in the artist's studio in New York City. A tribute to Marcel Duchamp, the work includes five altered reproductions of the Mona Lisa which depicts her in the act of growing a moustache and goatee and then shaving them off. The mixed media work incorporates human hair and blood-stained tissue paper. A handwritten note by the artist to himself (at left of the third image) reads: "Caution -check this panal (sic) for loose hairs prior to framing."

The finished work, cropped vertically, is approximately four feet high and resides in a private collection. Bride was, in fact, the artist's final work as a bachelor for he married the painter Sheila Young shortly afterwards in San Diego.

White House Black Magic

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Republican National Committee today formally accused US Democratic presidential candidate Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) of being "a Satan-worshipper." The bombshell allegation appeared in a press release issued by the RNC under the title, "Hell Hath No Fury."

The accusation comes at a time when the former First Lady can ill-afford a setback in her faltering campaign against Sen. Barack Obama.

The RNC press kit included what was described as "photographic evidence" of the charge (See photo at bottom); while a spokesperson for the Clinton campaign responded angrily, saying, "We're all shocked and horrified by this insane smear leveled by a desperate Republican Party."

The press release was signed by Mike Duncan, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, who further charged that documents had come into his possession alleging Sen. Clinton had engaged in “rituals and a Black Mass” while her husband, Bill Clinton, was serving as President.

Surrounded by reporters outside his home in Alexandria, Duncan refused to answer questions, saying only: “Wait till you see what’s coming…this is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. Remember that movie ‘Rosemary’s Baby’? Well, it’s ‘Mary Poppins’ compared to what went on in the Clinton's bedroom.”

Sen. Obama, when asked about the charges, smiled and said. “That’s some weird s---, but I can't comment until all the facts are in.”

Photo: REUTERS/Shannon Stapleton

Young Republicans

DEL MAR—The Republican Party of San Diego County announced the opening of "GOP-land," a 12-acre amusement swamp for young Republicans in Del Mar. The featured attraction is a giant elephant-slide, carved out of tar by Sculptor Buzz Bernard of La Brea.

"GOP-land is a wholesome environment for the kids that reflects the values of our party," said Judge Mark Goldspit, Candidate for San Diego City Attorney.

Opening Day attendance was sparse, but organizers blamed it on the weather.

*photographer unknown

Taps

BERKELEY SPRINGS, West Virginia. More than 120 water sources competed in the 18th annual Berkeley Springs International Water Tasting, held Saturday.

A panel of 10 journalists and food critics sampled sparkling, tap and bottled water from 19 states and other countries, including New Zealand, Romania, Macedonia and the Philippines.

The title of best municipal water was won by the Metropolitan Water District of Southern California, which serves Los Angeles.

"We celebrate the city’s special care and attention to its water and how it is processed," announced event organizer Jill Kleib on behalf of the three remaining judges. The other seven were said to be in serious, but stable, condition.

If this is art is this art?

Click on the painting to view the animation.

Key to Symbols In This Publication

The original print version of Le Scat Noir (1888-2000) employed a series of symbols to aid readers in identifying various categories of content. These icons gave the editors the freedom to scatter scat in a visually pleasing manner without having to constrain content to labeled sections, i.e., News, Sports, Opinion, etc.

We have decided to resurrect these quaint symbols, and will attach them to future posts. Readers are encouraged to study the key and commit it to memory. If you find these symbols helpful or distracting, please let us know by sending an e-mail to the publisher, Editions Gepona.

Misprinted Memorial T-shirt

This limited offer just expired.

Run-Off

You Are What You Eat

ROATH—Two café-owners were today fined for selling chocolate cake sprinkled with animal faeces. A horrified customer consumed the foul-smelling gateaux but felt something wasn’t quite right. “I had to hold my nose while chewing, but after three or four bites I became very suspicious.” The customer (who wishes to remain anonymous) turned the cake over to public health officials.

“I was doing my duty,” said Alfred Rammol, of Roath, Cardiff.

Analysts soon established that the sweet treat was covered in animal faeces and legal proceedings against the café’s owners commenced.

Bevis Hashabi, 25, and Jean-Claude Bonnifice, 23, were fined £1,500 for selling recycled food without proper labeling. The pair —who ran Le Shat Noir in Roath—admitted the charge, but refused to reveal their recipe.

Le Shat Noir (formerly “Le Chat Noir”) is a favorite with late-night revelers and students living around Cardiff University.

A spokeswoman for the public health department in Cardiff City Council said: “The gentleman who bought the cake realized it didn't taste or smell quite right so he reported it to us." Subsequent examination by the public analyst confirmed the presence of animal faecal matter. "Droppings were sprinkled all over the cake. We cannot say for sure what kind of faecal matter it is, although it likely came from a baboon or hyena. It will have to be tested for DNA.”

Hashabi and Bonnifice pleaded guilty at Cardiff magistrates court and were each fined £1,500 and ordered to pay £200 costs.

After the case Hashabi said: "The charges were crap and I don't want to talk about it. We’ve had it up to here with the food industry.”

Shams Mehroobi, who took over the café in March and renamed it (“Le Scat Noir”) after the famous publication, condemned the actions of the two men. He now has a huge hygiene certificate framed on the wall and said: "Everyone can see that I have the highest standards. This is a completely different place now. We have a lot of happy customers and our menu guarantees their satisfaction.”

Indeed, the café’s slogan appears prominently on the menu: "If you’ve come here to eat shit, please take your business elsewhere."

R.I.P. Robbe-Grillet

"The art of the novel, however, has fallen into such a state of stagnation - a lassitude acknowledged and discussed by the whole of critical opinion - that it is hard to imagine such an art can survive for long without some radical change. To many, the solution seems simple enough: such a change being impossible, the art of the novel is dying.” - Alain Robbe-Grillet

Let’s Go Waterboarding!

WASHINGTON — President Bush signed an order Friday that clears the way for the CIA to resume recreational activities designed to improve the quality of life for suspected terrorists. The executive order ends months of legal skirmishing in the government over how to comply with laws barring recreational games and activities for detainees, and a Supreme Court ruling last year requiring the government to “get tough” on prisoners. The CIA has been reluctant to specify precisely which extreme sports it engaged in, fearing its agents would be labeled “wimps and wusses.” The executive order, however, makes the following ten activities permissible under law.

1. Waterboarding
2. Bobbing for Adam’s Apples
3. Blind Man’s Bluff
4. Debaseball
5. Unarmed Wrestling
6. Hide the Needle
7. Tic-hack-toe
8. Burnball
9. Cement Diving
10. Hangman

Bush administration officials involved in drafting the order said it was designed to preserve flexibility for the CIA and to show the world that we’re exceeding the standards set by the Geneva Conventions. “We’re bending over backwards to treat these bastards with decency,” remarked Vice President Dick Cheney, en route to the National Waterboarding Championships, which are held each year at an undisclosed location.

Poetry at Scat

from ATE POEMS: An Oulipian Diet & Exercise

-D.P.

For Philippe Soupault....

"Serveur, il y a une Bataille en mon potage!"

The Editor On Holiday

I have left the Scat in my wake as I set sail to Sicily aboard the Gruppo-Bollini But first you may find me in room 88888888 at the Hotel Des Estrangers on the lovely island of Ortiga where I'm the guest of Sal Lucci. I will be drinking my way through the spa en route to the tennis courts and pool. Wish you were here but you aren't so I won't.

Yours, but mostly mine,

D.P.

P.S. Sent via cell phone so forigive my formatting. Drinks are on the house!

Pregnant Pause (Scat from the Past).

We offer this item from our archives as a public service to visitors expecting the worst. Please click on the image for an expanded view.

A Nice Book for Valentine's Day

Novels in Three Lines
by Félix Fénéon
New York Review Books

Excerpt:

Eugėne Pėrichot, of Pailles, near Saint-Maixent, entertained at his home Mme Lemartrier.Eugėne Dupuis came to fetch her. They killed him. Love.

Fin

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This is not a post. And this is certainly not the New York Post, although we'll be offering a feature called Page Six in the coming months.

Le Scat Noir (not to be confused with certain rock bands and poseurs) is an independent journal devoted to news, reviews, art, and entertainment. Unlike much of the trash we are forced to compete with, ours is a publication you can depend on. We never mince words in the face of idiocy and with all the idiots out there that’s a lot of un-minced words. Besides, we have a proud tradition to uphold. A legend in print since the 19th century, LSN continues to set standards where no standards exist. This new digital edition has everything the grand print version had except ink and a trained staff of writers - plus a lot more if you have time to find it.

Our "droppings from around the globe" are read by millions of intellectuals throughout Europe and Asia, while in the U.S. (where our editorial offices are unfortunately based) they like to look at the pictures. Yes, we occasionally publish nudes that have been digitally doctored to appear dressed, but it's the macabre art and human interest photographs that receive the most attention from educated viewers. You won't find illustrations like these anywhere else—unless they were stolen from this page.

Please add us to your Favorites and drop by frequently. If we happen to be out, you can leave a donation at the door.

A Man and His Muse

Copyright © 2008 by Le Scat Noir Archives

The Death of English As We Knew Ye

A new bill introduced by House Republicans and sponsored by the United Speed-Readers Association (USRA) is moving rapidly through committee. The proposed law would effectively ban the use of all conjunctions from written and published texts, to facilitate the composition of run-on sentences. Why? The bill's sponsors believe it will raise the nation's reading speeds beyond current limits and bolster productivity. Critics argue that if the bill becomes law (and that is in doubt due to well-financed opposition from Write to Life groups), it will result in the death of the English language.

"Ifs, ands, and buts are the lifeblood of our language," says Professor Jorge Menendez of San Diego State University, a fierce opponent of the bill, and founder of Leave My Buts Alone, Gringo (LMBAG). "Do we really want people reading faster? Aren't there enough run-on collisions in libraries as it is? Ask anyone who has ever tried to make it across the Information Highway on footnotes."

It's not only academics, writers, and bookworms who are trying to stop the bill. Proofreaders, too, are making their voices heard. Many, of course, are paid by the word, so they may be less concerned with saving “but” than watching out for their own backsides.

Perhaps it's understandable when you consider that their industry has shrunk by more than 70% since the invention of the Spell-Check.

Oxymorons At War

BAGHDAD — Remote-controlled explosives strapped to two mentally retarded women detonated in a coordinated attack on Baghdad pet bazaars Friday, police and Iraqi officials said, killing at least 88 people in the deadliest day since the U.S. sent 30,000 extra troops to the capital this spring. The chief Iraqi military spokesman in Baghdad, Brig. Gen. Qassim al-Moussawi, claimed the female bombers had Down syndrome and that the explosives were detonated by remote control, indicating they may not have been willing attackers in what appears to be a technological breakthrough by insurgents. “It’s a sign of their sophistication,” admitted General al-Moussawi, shaking his head. “Now they’re using smart bombs.”

Notice in Advance of Publication

Our inaugaural issue, Number 89, is at the printer in Paris and will appear in this space as soon as the ink dries. Please return soon or forever remain silent.