Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Drac is back…

I was recently invited  to design a cover for a reissue of Bram Stoker’s classic novel.

Here it is…

drac_cover

<< cover design by norman conquest >>

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Fasten your seat belts, it’s gonna be a rough fucking ride.

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

 

*****************oulipian psycho sorority rant**********************************

 

If you just opened this like I told you to, tier yourself down-and-out to whatever chairlift you're situation in, because this email is going to be a roughcast fucking ride.
For those of you that have your headaches stuck under rockers, which apparently is the maker of this char, we have been FUCKING UP in terminals of nightcap timekeeper eventualities and general social intercepts with Sigma Nu. I've been getting textbooks on textbooks about pepper LITERALLY belch so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're readjustment this right now and scab to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much function with my sister-in-laws this weekday!", then punchball yourself in the facet right now so that I donation't have to fucking find you on camshaft to do it myself.


I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu doers not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking lover to talk to your sister-in-laws. You have 361 daydreams out of the fucking yearbook to talk to sister-in-laws, and this weekday is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This weekday is about fostering relatives in the greek commuter, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsletter you stupid cockatoos: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the wayfarer in casebook you're an idler and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shoals that have talked openly about postbag gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you pepper fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical questioner, I LITERALLY want you to email me backbench telly me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you donation't go to anymore nightcap timekeeper eventualities. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invocation Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! Fish of all, you SHOULDN'T be postbag gaming at other frats, I donation't give a FUCK if your bra is in it, if your brotherhood is in it, or if your entire famine is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girlfriends to leave with you.


"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bite voice-over to your computing screening as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our team-mates at all the sportsmen, doesn't that countdown for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten textbooks about pepper belch fucking WEIRD at sportsmen (for excavator, belch stupid shoals and scab stump like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten textbooks about pepper actually cheering for the opposing team-mate. The opposing. Fucking. Team-mate. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I donation't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it meantime to make pepper like you that you think belch a good little supposition of the greek commuter is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's timekeeper someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cup punter the next persona I hear about doing something like that, and I donation't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.


"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any wayfarer, means if you are a little asswipe that stands in the cornerstones at nightcap or if you're a weirdo shoal that doers weirdo shoal during the daydream, this follow-on messenger is for you:


DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.


I'm not fucking kidding. Donation't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disfavour where you're unable to NOT do these thingamabobs, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girlfriends that are function, talk to boycotts, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking failings. If you are one of the pepper that have told me "Oh nooo boob hoo I can't talk to boycotts I'm too sober", then I pivot you because I donation't know how you got this far in lifeboat, and with that in minder donation't fucking show up unless you're going to stop belch a goddamn cockatoo blockade for our char. Seriously. I swear to fucking Godchild if I see anyone belch a goddamn boner at tonight's eventuality, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.


And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really donation't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Meeting of the Minds

trio

Avant-Pop guru Larry McCaffery holds forth on “pornoglyphics” at a restaurant in Ocean Beach, CA (circa 1996). At center, artist Sheila Young, and Norman Conquest on the far left, natch.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

SPARKS ARE FLYIN!

sparkscuv

In 2008, the great Tosh Berman—author and publisher of TamTam Books—got on a plane with a single motive: “Sparks Spectacular.” It had been announced that the band Sparks would perform all twenty-one of their albums in a succession of twenty-one nights in London…a monumental experience for any Sparks fanatic. Part travel journal, part personal memoir, Berman takes us through the streets of London and Paris, observing both cities’ history and culture through the eye of an obsessive Sparks fan’s lens. Including album-by-album reviews of all twenty-one albums and beyond, Sparks-Tastic defines a place and time in music history that’s too defining to be ignored.


Tosh Berman, author of "Sparks-Tastic: Twenty-One Nights With Sparks in London" (A Barnacle Book) will be doing a small West Coast Reading & Signing Tour in April 2013.   The dates so far:


Tuesday April 23rd; 7 PM
Stories Books and Cafe
1716 West Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles (Echo Park), CA 90026-3225
Phone number 213-3733
http://www.storiesla.com/#home
Wednesday April 24th; 7 PM
City Lights Booksellers
261 Columbus Avenue at Broadway
San Francisco, CA 94133
Phone Number 415-362-4921
http://www.citylights.com/info/?fa=events
Thursday April 25th; 7:30 PM
Powell's City of Books on Burnside
1005 W Burnside
Portland, OR
Phone Number 800-878-7323
http://www.powells.com/calendar.html
Monday April 29; 7 PM
Book Soup
8818 Sunset Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90069
Phone number 310-659-3110
http://www.booksoup.com/author-events?page=1

The Captain’s Table

Well isn’t this splendid…a new collection of Captain Cap stories by my old friend Alphonse Allais.

foratdpg

Yes, it’s volume two in a 4-part series from Black Scat Books, translated from the French by the one and only Doug Skinner—a man who not only knows how to crack open the insidious French language, but who can draw a pun in three dimensions—much like the devil himself. Skinner has illustrated this divine edition (104 pages, mind you!) throughout. Such a lovely cover, too, I’m thinking of framing it, as it reminds me of the glory days of Les Arts incohérents.

I can’t imagine a better April Fool’s chaser.

Only 125 copies to be sold (and I hear a batch have already been snapped up), so order quickly from this LINK. Hurry up!

Happy April Tuesday.